Depression, and anxiety, are insidious diseases. Slowly eating away at you, destroying everything that makes you, you. Replacing it with new, lesser version, of yourself. Because of this, I feel it’s important to spend a little bit of time discussing why I think depression makes you do everything to get worse. It’s crazy! I know that eating junk food, sitting round the house doing nothing will help the Black Dog get fatter on my misery. I just can’t help it — but why!
While depression and anxiety can have different causes, and one can lead to the other, for the purposes of this blog I shall look at depression and use some of my own experiences during the discussion.
“Depression is the inability to construct a future”
Rollo May
I don’t have proper answers, these are just my views based on thirty- years of living with the Black Dog. (I need to think of a name for what causes my anxiety!)
When I’m in a dark mood, it’s like living in a world with no Sun. I have no energy. The act of getting out of bed is a monumental task that I cannot achieve. I stop looking after myself, stop washing, eat junk food and don’t exercise. I will wear the same clothes for days — it’s disgusting! But in my depressed state I don’t care, and I spiral further into the pit.
But why do I do it?
I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not me at this time – a negative Steve if you will.
This lack of care leads to poor self-esteem which then leads to feelings of worthlessness that magnifies the depression. The rational side of me says, ‘surely, if you are aware of how it is affecting you, change it’. The problem is with the low energy that comes with depression I just don’t care. Weirdly, I think I get reward from the neglect. It’s a negative reward but is still reward, so I stay on the down path. It’s easy, it’s familiar, so I keep doing it.
It’s also possible that there is an element of self-hate. Depression makes me feel unworthy or that I deserve to suffer. Which is something that non-depressives struggle to understand. For me depression is about of a lack of control. My mind is doing what it wants, and I have no say. I feel powerless and unable to improve- so I don’t. I settle into the old routines of neglect, self-loathing and despair.
So, how do I manage to climb out of this?
It certainly isn’t easy. Summoning every ounce of will that I don’t have, to move forward in a positive way is indescribably hard. Each little step, and I do mean little, can feel like crawling out of a black hole – the depression, gravity pulling you back into the darkness. But the very act of doing something is control. You are telling the depression that you are in charge -not it.
It certainly isn’t easy. Summoning every ounce of will that I don’t have, to move forward in a positive way is indescribably hard. Each little step, and I do mean little, can feel like crawling out of a black hole – the depression, gravity pulling you back into the darkness. But the very act of doing something is control. You are telling the depression that you are in charge -not it.
I never believe that, but I have an established toolkit that I follow automatically, so lack of energy doesn’t hold me back. Nor the confusion that comes with depression.
“I always make lists of things I need to get done. I like the sense of having completed one thing so I can move on to the next”
Mette Frederikson
The first thing I do is make lots of lists. If I’m really depressed the list will be simple; get out of bed, clean teeth, shower — simple to achieve triumphs. If I’m feeling stronger, I may add tidy the house, go for a walk. There’s no shame in starting small as each journey starts with the first step. There’s also no shame in stepping backwards. When this happens to me, I congratulate myself on the positive and try to ignore the set-back. This is hard to do, and my mind doesn’t always believe what I am telling myself, but the act of saying it helps a little.
The next thing I do is I journal. I write about the successes and how they make me feel. Here’s an extract from an earlier journal. Today I clean my teeth, washed and change my underwear. It’s not much but more than yesterday. Oh yeah, I also wrote in my journal. I feel like a child, and in some ways, I am as depression strips the adult out of me. But at least I did it and tomorrow I’ll do more. That, I have found, is the key. Little steps that lead to bigger steps.
There are other armaments in my battery of sanity, but they’re useless if I can’t manage the basics.
” The statistics of sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you”
Rita Mae Brown.
I will also consider medication if experience tells me there’s no chance of even starting to recover.
Remember this. You are fighting yourself, not others. I remind myself that it is my battle, and I mustn’t compare myself to others. I also reward myself for completing my lists. For instance. One day I may treat myself to a nice coffee or take time out of work and go for a walk — small victories in themselves when all you want to do is sit in a dark room. What I try not to do is use an old habit as a reward. For instance, I was myself today so I can spend the rest the day in bed – that sort of stuff it doesn’t help.
We don’t have a depressive anonymous to follow, so we must make our own tokens to celebrate recovery.
Most importantly, you have to remember to be kind to yourself. I struggle with this and constantly remind myself that it’s a bumpy journey and sometimes I will fail. The key is to get back on journey and take it one step at a time.
What do I do when the depression returns?
Go back to the basics and accept I’m ill and have relapsed. I try not to blame myself.
So, that’s my views on why depression makes you your own worst enemy and some initial steps to drag yourself to the light again.
I hope they were of some use.
Steve.