Normal.
It’s such a simple word, but what does it mean when it comes to our mental health. A quick search online gives us a definition that says this;
Normal, adj, & n.
Constituting or conforming to a type or standard; regular, usual, typical; ordinary, conventional.
normal – Quick search results | Oxford English Dictionary (oed.com)
Okay, so we now have a definition for ‘Normal’, but it’s not much use when you’re looking at the field of mental health.
What do I think normal is?
So, I thought “normal” for me was being like everyone who, on the surface, has no psychological issues. And that’s a key point – normal on the surface.
Why do I think this is important?
I think all of us who struggle with our mental health aspire to be normal. Or, at the very least, compare how we are to those we judge as normal. The problem is that this only makes us feel somewhat deficient when we don’t meet those lofty ideals.
But, really, how do we define what normal is? Is it the ability to lead a functional life or the complete freedom from mental health problems – on the surface at least. I really don’t have the answer, I wish I did. What I do know, from experience, is that I don’t believe anybody is normal. What I do think is that we live on a spectrum, with people inhabiting different areas of it. Some of us are in a position where our mental turmoil manifests externally, others are not. Some manage to cope with life’s ups and downs, some don’t. Maybe, in that sense, normal is someone who rides life’s rollercoaster without it adversely affecting their existence.
Let me tell you a little about my fight to normal.
Many years ago, and I am talking over 30, I went to see my doctor. I felt down and had terrible anxiety. I was crying for no reason, having panic attacks and had no idea why. I told my doctor that I just wanted to feel normal. My Doc. with all the best intentions, said to me. “We’ll get feeling normal again”. That simple statement started an impossible battle towards normality that I have only just realised I’ll never win. Why do I say that? Because I now firmly believe that normal doesn’t exist outside of our own ideals. We have a vision of normality that bears no relation to reality. What we should instead, is compare against no-one but ourselves. You should ask yourself, what would my idea life look like, and how can I get to it? Obviously, this is a big ask when you’re mired in the dark pits of depression. But I think it’s a better way to improve than comparing yourself to the false façade of a Facebook profile living a perfect life.
So, as this is my blog, what do I consider normal to be for me?
As I mentioned earlier, I spent years trying to be normal. I’ve now given up. What I do is I compare myself to one thing – me. All I do is ask myself, am I doing better than yesterday? If the answer is yes, then I’m happy and I look at how I can make tomorrow even better. However, if not, if today is worse than yesterday, I try to work out why and see how I can have a better day the next. After I’ve had a bit of a sulk first!
The thing to try to remember is that self-improvement isn’t like a ski slope. I don’t mean you sit at the top looking down, before plunging headlong into depression. You are at the bottom looking at a nice smooth progression to the top where the ideal you lives. It’s more like walking into a gale force wind; you take two steps towards your ideal self, only to be blown back three by a sudden gust. Occasionally, and I mean occasionally, you may take two steps forward and one step back. I know this all sounds disheartening, especially if you were looking for words of wisdom about being normal, but the only person you are comparing yourself to is you.
I see my efforts as a journey, complete with setbacks. I am, however, slowly moving towards a life where my mental health issues don’t stop me enjoying life – that is my normal.
After three decades of battling depression and anxiety, I know they will always be with me, so I must make my own normal the best I can.
What I’m trying to do is become a person who isn’t governed by his mental health issues. To be someone can go out, socialise, and lead a productive life. So that when I’m old and sat on my deathbed I don’t feel ashamed of wasted opportunities. To be able to live with the depression and anxiety, ride with the panic attacks and not allow any of them to stop me doing what I want to do.
To me, now, that’s what I call normal.
Steve