When one thinks of the ultimate expression of inner anguish, it’s the mental breakdown. Well, I suppose attempting suicide is high up in the list, but personally, that’s topped by my entire being collapsing in on itself!
Before I discuss why I think a mental breakdown is such a horrendous thing, it’s worth defining it. I did a bit of research on the internet and found the following from an Australian Government website that I thought was quite good.
“A nervous breakdown is also known as a mental health crisis. It describes a stressful time in someone’s life when it becomes physically and emotionally overwhelming.”
Quote from healthdirect.gov.au. Accessed 9th June ’24
As good as it is, I don’t think it’s enough to describe my experiences of mental breakdowns. I’d define it as something like this.
“A mental breakdown is when your ability to function as a human being is completely destroyed by overwhelming mental and/or physical distress.”
Quote from Steve, sat in his shed in June ’24.
I genuinely believe that a true mental breakdown is the systematic overwhelming of all the coping mechanisms our mind uses to protect us. I relate it to a computer’s hard reset; where your brain just says, ‘enough is enough’ and reboots. I suppose it could be seen as a protective feature, some inbuilt way for us to build back up.
So, why do they happen?
Well, remember this, I’m no psychologist and this is only my opinion based on experience. If I had the answer, I’d give it away for free.
I see our mind, spirit or whatever you call it, as a steam pressure cooker. Life’s problems come along, turning up the heat and building up pressure as the contents heat up. Then, as the negative life event moves on, the heat drops and so does the pressure inside the cooker. This is life’s normal ups and downs.
Sometimes though, the heat doesn’t drop as problems don’t move on. Those problems could be depression, anxiety, relationship breakdowns; just about anything really! They build up inside the cooker. On the outside everything looks fine, a bit warm, but fine. On the inside though, there is a storm of anguish building as the steam has no-where to go.
Then, one day, the pressure escape valve activates. Blowing clouds of steam and noise into the air – that’s the breakdown; The external showing of the pressure building inside.
What is my experience of a breakdown.
I’m an old hand at mental breakdowns. It is not something I’m proud of, just how it is.
I’ve found that each event is different, but always has the same run up. There are external signs that others can see, but I cannot. For my first, back in the early 1990’s, I couldn’t stop crying. I just wanted to be alone and sit in a room. I hid away from the world. Stopped going to work or out. I thought it was just depression, but I now know otherwise. Gradually, I got better as I reset.
The first significant one was in 2014. I had raging, constant anxiety. Couldn’t sleep, stopped eating. I was in constant, physical pain from the adrenaline running through my body. Each second seemed like hours, especially at night! I couldn’t rest. Everything, and I mean everything, had me in tears. Then, one day I popped, my valve opened. I told my wife I wanted to die and had a plan. It’s not that I wanted to die; I just saw no way to escape the pain.
” That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt”
Anonymous Quote.
Within hours the men in white coats were at the door with their clipboards and diazepam, and I started to recover. It took time, weeks, but I got there. Diazepam helped me deal with the worst of the anxiety waves and the daily Crisis Team meetings helped me to talk and make sense of what was happening. I tried sleeping pills, but they were useless. I had to be patient, and it wasn’t an easy recovery, but I got to a functional state again.
I wasn’t totally healed though. I was left with a fear, almost like PTSD, of the adrenaline spike. That has never gone away. Any feeling that triggers that adrenaline jolt – you know the one, that pain in the kidneys of fear – creates an extreme fear response. It’s horrid really.
I didn’t learn my lesson though and have had at least four more since 2014!
What leads to them, what are the triggers?
It’s always the same.
- Poor diet
- Not relaxing
- Obsessing and not managing stress.
- Ignoring what is happening.
- Withdrawing into myself.
- Finally, a catalyst – could be a neighbour dispute, or a poorly tooth.
It’s damn annoying that I know the behaviours that lead to breakdown, but never seem to learn! It must have its own medical definition, other than stupidity! I have thoughts on how we become our own enemies in a previous blog.
How do I recover?
Through trial and error, I do the following.
I accept what my mind is telling me and relax. I know it will get better and the breakdown becomes a catalyst for change. I eat as well as I can, exercise, write and draw, practice mindfulness and gratitude. Anything to stop me thinking about the anxiety.
Most of all, I’m kind to myself and accept I have an illness and need to recover.
Patience is the key; you need distance from the episode to give time for the brain to process it and move on.
In conclusion then, mental breakdowns are awful. Not always inevitable, but quite common. And, in my experience, usually brought on by my own behaviours.
But you can, with help and patience, recover and grow.
Sources of help in the U.K.
In the UK, if you’re in a crisis, you can get help from the following.
- Samaritans – www.Samaritans.org
- NHS – www.nhs.uk/mental-health
- Mind – www.mind.org.uk
- Calm – www.thecalmzone.net
Or, if you are seriously concerned for your welfare, call 999.
As well as the above, talk to someone you trust. Tell them how you feel. For me, that’s when recovery begins, when I start to talk.
As always, please reach out if I can help.