First, an apology, my mind isn’t allowing much coherent thought at the moment, so this post may ramble a little; such is life living with mental illness. The swash of my thoughts will hopefully align on the page but may not.
One difficulty in writing a blog is deciding what to call each post. It is seriously difficult to not be repetitive, especially when doing a regular update. So, I’ve decided to go with the following – Update (Add Number) and some sort of headline. That way, I can keep track of what I’m doing, and you get some sort of flow. That’s the hope, no doubt I’ll change my mind the next time I take a shower!
” No matter how hard the past is, you can always begin again.”
Buddha
Moving on
After my setback the other week (See here) I am slowly getting back in the flow. Heck, setback? Nope, it was a mental breakdown and I’m just about managing to keep my job and be with my family this week, without trying to enact some grand improvement plan In fact, to write this I’ve had to force myself, with superhuman willpower, to sit at the computer and type. You wouldn’t believe how everything is more interesting than being productive, when procrastination come to visit! YouTube is the pit that time falls into, especially them damn Shorts!
How am I hoping to get back on track?
To help me with this, I’m using the new Pomodoro timer I’ve just got from Minimal Desk Setups (link to minimal desk setups). Setting it to 25 minutes and promising myself a chocolate when I hit the 25 minutes buzzer. I know that’s not the proper way of using the system, but I don’t care – I like chocolate more than a five-minute break! If you’re not sure about the pomodoro technique, I’ll chat more about it next week. 25 minutes is about all I can manage before I start to droop like a flower in the desert heat. So, I am trying to do everything in 25 minutes blocks – read, clean etc. Actually, I’m using it now!
So, just how has my latest breakdown affected me?
Well, I’ve had to start at step-one, again, and try to practice mindfulness. It’s hard as I can’t stop my mind racing, and it only gets worse when I try to be mindful! I’ve had this before, so I know it will get better, I just wish it’d bloody hurry up! Next, once I can meditate for ten minutes without my brain dancing a jig of distraction, I’m going to add another improvement thingy – I just cannot decide what that something is yet!
For my work, as I really find it hard to concentrate on that. I started the timer at ten minutes and worked like that for the first day. Then, on the next day I set it to fifteen-minutes and built it up to twenty-five over the week. Those short sprints of work, with little gaps between are remarkably tiring. But the satisfaction of completing one is immense – it’s well worth trying.
I know I had a plan a few months ago, and I will get back to it. However, as I said earlier, I want to do the following while I recover.
Getting organised.
I’m going to go old school and use the Filofax my wife got me a few years ago in an attempt to get me organised – an attempt that failed! I’m not totally sure what I want to use if for. But have started making lists for work, mainly of tasks and thoughts. I’ve always found that there’s something intrinsically relaxing about writing out a task and ticking it off as you go through the day, which digital media just can’t compare to. It also helps knowing I won’t forget something important. Which is easy to do when you are in the throes of a mental health crisis.
“Organising seems impossible until it is done”
Anonymous.
Rrrinngg, my twenty-five minutes are up, time for chocolate!
Chocolate consumed, my mind is now fuelled by refined sugars and caffeine, time for another twenty-five-minute slog. I have to say, I’m quite pleased with myself for being able to get this far, considering I didn’t even think I could turn on my computer!
Learning from mistakes (Yeah, whatever!)
One thing my latest loony episode has taught me is that I need change how I react to people and situations – I need to stop obsessing about the negative. Which, as those of you who have experienced depression will know, comes with the t-shirt and membership pack depressives get! I think it goes back to the old saying of ‘Change what you can and ignore what you can’t’ I can’t change the neighbour that triggered my latest relapse, as he hasn’t the mental capacity to change. So, I should look at what I can change, which is what I am trying to do by moving house – eventually. In the meantime, I’m letting the authorities deal with Mr Cannabis. (See here for background)
Talking of relationships, I’ve also decided to work harder with those important to me. They must tolerate quite a lot with my frequent mental health crisis, and I need to make it clear I’m appreciative of their support. Indeed, without the help of my Wife and Mum, I don’t think I’d be here now. So, I’m concentrating on. telling them I love them and hugging them more. Little things you forget when you’re drowning in your own inner turmoil that make you cold and distant, when what you really need is closeness.
Finally, I’m being kind to myself. But not too kind, I need some harshness to improve.
So, another week of mindfulness to allow the terror of the breakdown to subside some more. Then, who knows.
Steve