Just what does Anxiety feel like?
When I am asked this question, I can never answer it effectively and the conversation normally goes something like this’
Friend – “So, you get anxiety, it’s just butterflies in the tummy, isn’t it?”
Me, with a shrug – “Can be, but not always.”
Friend – “Well, I get butterflies a lot and I’m okay, so what’s your problem?”
Me, as I look wistfully into the distance. – “I wish it was just butterflies.”
And that’s the point. Anxiety is different for everyone, and each one of us deals with it in our own unique way. What I laugh off, can drive another to suicide, and vice-versa. Which is why people struggle to relate when you say you suffer with out-of-control anxiety. Unless they’ve suffered, and I mean SUFFERED, they tend to think it’s just weakness – or poor character.
How do I think anxiety builds up?
Anxiety(noun)
“Psychiatry A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.”
Quote from thefreedictionary.com
For me, it’s an ever-present fear that needs no source or reason, following me through life like a shadow. It, like depression, taints every decision. It makes me avoid situations that previously generated a fear response. I fear the fear. It’s illogical and real at the same time. But it’s not the same all the time and comes in ebbs and tsunamis! It makes me want to run, to scream, to rip my kidneys out to get rid of the pain it causes. But I cannot. Instead, I try and lead a life where there is ever-present fear.
I hate it.
I describe how my anxiety builds in two ways.
The volume control.
First, with a volume control, where 1 is normal life anxiety and 10+ a total meltdown. Stress etc. moves the dial between 1 and whatever lower volume you want it to be set to for a personalised experience. Then, for no logical reason, maybe a poltergeist messing with the dial, the volume cranks up to maximum – or above!
For some people though, there’s no setting one – it starts on five, misses 6,7, and 8 and goes straight to nine. For others, its slower, starting at 1, then cruising through 1.1, then 1.2 and so on – we all know them people, they’d sleep through a nuclear attack!
The Hosepipe.
I also look at it as a hosepipe. Imagine a garden hose with a metal ring around it acting as a flow restrictor, the flow being anxiety. As anxiety flow increases, the ring holds back more and more, and the pressure builds. That’s you trying to hide your pain inside. Then, suddenly, the hose stretches to its maximum and bursts out into a panic attack – or worse
How do I feel anxiety.
As I’ve said, Anxiety is experienced differently by each one of us. Let me share with you what it’s like for me.
Low levels
I live life at three or four. Feeling constant unease and restlessness. My mind cannot rest and focuses on things to the point of obsession. Usually, this relates to a purchase or life event. My body is tense and randomly aches to a level that mindfulness and relaxation never really get rid of. I have unexplained illnesses that have no cause, but the effect can be seen. I only relax when I’m drunk, which isn’t a good solution. I do still have some control over the problem at this stage, but not much.
To deal with stressful situations, such as going out, I use diazepam as a crutch.
Increasing.
When I find something unhealthy to obsess about, usually health related or something that’s caused me an anxiety spike in the past, the metaphorical volume goes up. I start to struggle with sleep and get random bouts of panic. You know what that’s like, where your stomach tries to claw out of you like a chest burster from Aliens! I stop eating. Weirdly, I also start to seek out the thing that’s causing me anxiety! It’s like I want to get worse. I do not feel in control of what’s happening by this stage.
This stage is fluid. I can go down to 4, then, while watching TV, pop up to 8. It can be triggered by active thoughts, but also subconsciously.
Finally, I pop. The dial goes over 10 and the pipe bursts.
I feel constant, unrelenting fear and panic. If you imagine that time you were most scared in your life. Take that fleeting jolt of fear and magnify it 100 times and make it permanent and you’re getting close to how it feels. Time slows, you can’t think, can’t sleep, can’t eat. You are in constant, unrelenting pain and fear. Sleeping pills are no help, and diazepam is a temporary reprieve. You sweat and shiver at the same time. This goes on for days and very long nights.
I’ve been on suicide watch three times – each a result of desperation to get rid of the fear and pain chronic anxiety causes, not because I wanted to die.
Eventually, slowly, I do get better. Usually after reaching breaking point and having a breakdown (See link). Weirdly, I’ve also become afraid of the fear over the years. If I feel that quick jolt of adrenaline it makes me panic because I’m scared of it getting worse – almost like a fateful negative reward loop.
What have I learnt about chronic high anxiety.
The body just can’t retain that much stress. So far, it’s only caused me to mentally disintegrate. I worry that as I get older it’ll kill me.
However, it does pass, the feeling gradually retreating like a tide going out. To help me manage while I wait, I’ve an emergency kit on standby. Diazepam to dampen the panic and bland, non-stimulating food to keep my energy levels stable. I also have a variable SSRI prescription.
I do try to stop the thoughts that cause the panic where possible. If I can’t, then I know that once I breakdown, I will be able to as my mind mends.
Exercise and meditation have become God sent during this time.
I also don’t give a crap about what other people think. I’m only responsible to myself.
Really, there’s no miracle cure, other than time, self-care and medical intervention if needed. And, as I’ve said previously, I’m my own enemy and no matter how often I go through it I always regress into old habits that cause the anxiety to return.
I know it’s all in my mind and that’s the problem.
My Mind. Which is why I’m writing this blog.
Steve