I’m only a couple of posts into my wellness journey and already I’m feeling some positive stuff from just posting my thoughts on here. I reckon that the act of publicly stating my problems is providing some accountability to force change- even if no-one has visited my blog. Looking at what I have created also gives a small sense of pride, and a glimmer of hope for the future.
“Mindfulness is a mental activity that in due course eliminates all suffering“
Ayya Khema
I spoke in a previous blog about how I intend to tackle my issues, today I want to discuss the first thing I decided to try – Mindfulness.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness, for those that don’t know, is about giving the mind time to rest. To stop the constant, destructive what-ifs and pointless agonising over past mistakes. You live in the present, the now.
I always thought it was some new-age mystical rubbish that hippies adhered to. You know, some long-haired dude, sitting cross legged on the top of a hill as the Sun rises. He’s probably rhythmically humming to himself, as a faint smile crossing his face – he feels at peace with the world.
I never felt it was something for me.
That was until I decided to give it a go as part of my battle against the Black Dog.
I’ve spent the last month working with Headspace. I started with a free trial and decided to pay for the year once the trial ended. At the beginning it felt odd to get the mind to not overthink. If you have anxiety, you know what I mean, your thoughts cannot settle and skitter around like a fly on a Summer’s Day.
“Retire to the centre of your being, which is calmness”
Paramashansa Yogananda
Let me recount my first attempt at this mindfulness lark.
I logged onto the app and selected their basics course with a chap called Andy. I chose him because I liked his voice, and he says he’s a Buddhist. I figured, who better to teach me to be more Zen than a Buddhist who’s a former monk to boot!
I sat in my chair and followed the instructions that flowed from Andy’s surprisingly soothing voice. I took a few deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, closing my eyes as instructed. The first session was mostly me trying to concentrate on my breathing, while stopping my overactive mind from going for a sprint. It was an odd feeling, almost like my brain was fighting the urge to be calm! But, with Andy’s soothing tones and reassurance, I just acknowledged the crazy each time it tried to claw its way to the surface, returning back to breathing once banshee – In, out, in, out. You get the drift. Surprisingly simple, yet, amazingly hard!
Nearly the whole ten-minute session was a battle; Breathe – I need to clean the car – Yes you do, now think about breathing. Breathe, we need butter, yes you do, now breathe.
You get the picture.
Anyway, towards the end of the session an odd thing happened. Just as I was getting exasperated with my fly-like mind, Andy said to relax and allow the mind to wonder. And it’s a damn crazy thing. Given permission, it didn’t! for the first time in days, I felt at peace. The final session of concentrating on breath was easy. Almost like my brain had given up being an obstacle and was finally co-operating.
And do you know what, every session is like that. It’s like my mind doesn’t want to behave! You want me to be calm, no chance buddy! Oh, now you want me to think., Get lost, I want to chill!
But, at the end of every session I feel calmer, and more positive.
When do I try to practice my mindfulness?
Once a day I use the app. Usually in the morning. Then, as I go through the day I try and practice what the app teaches. Living in the moment when out walking- not worrying about tomorrow or ruminating over the past – just enjoying the present. Also, taking time out to focus on my breathing when my mind starts racing during the day.
As a bonus I have found that my concentration has improved a little as well.
It’s not all been roses though. I have had one depressive episode over the last month, and I did find it hard to put the effort in. To be honest, I didn’t bother in the morning, and felt odd, so practiced in the afternoon. While it didn’t help my depression lift, it did make me feel a little better for achieving something. I don’t know if that was because of the mindfulness or the satisfaction of completing a task.
“At the end of every session I feel calmer, and more positive.”
Me, further up the page.
So, after a month, what do I think about mindfulness, and does it have a part of my growing sanity armoury?
I would say so. After each session I find my thoughts are calmer, more moderated. The craziness dies down a little. It’s hard to explain, but I feel lighter. I have a lot of work to do to get to a Buddhist level of zen, but I think I could eventually get there. If I can stick to it!
And that is the issue – sticking to it when the Black Dog is biting at my heel, or the anxiety is ripping my kidneys out is going to be hard. At those times, all I want to do is eat and hide away from the world. Now I try and breathe it away.
But this is the new Steve, and I will persevere – I hope….