I’ve got a blog about improving myself. But the question is: Just what am I planning to do in order to live a fuller life, while managing some severe mental health issues?
Over the last few decades I have tried all sorts of stuff, and nothing has worked. Which is obvious because if it had I wouldn’t be here, writing this! And you would be watching YouTube shorts of a kitten doing something incredibly cute!
But you are not, you are here. Which is great.
So, if I have tried everything, and I mean everything short of having my frontal lobes removed, why should this time be different?
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”
Marcel Proust
I think it is down to accountability. The ‘I can start tomorrow’ pledge that never comes ‘as tomorrow is only a day away’ – permanently. (Thanks, Annie, for the quote). That is why I started this blog. A visible pledge to improvement, as well as a log of my work.
I want to use it to hold myself accountable, to make sure I do improve and not just talk about it.
I now see recovery as a multifaceted approach, not just doing one thing at a time. You know, I will exercise but not take medication, that sort of stuff. That, I think, is why I failed before – I did not consider the whole me!
Food, exercise, medication, and gratitude are just part of a wider web on the journey to feeling better and I need to consider them all.
Now, I know all, or nothing, works for some, but it does not for me. So, I am going to take small, baby steps. Not too small that I shuffle, or too fast that I fall. Like a toddler, I expect to stumble but I will do my best stay upright!
What does recovery look like?
To be honest I do not actually know what the end of this journey will be. I want to be normal but cannot define what that is — but who can? Is it possible that normal does not exist at all? Existential questions that are out of the scope of today’s blog, I think.
I suppose I want a life where the black dog stays in his kennel more and I can start enjoying life on a regular basis.
I’m trying to see my journey to recovery like a hiker navigating a mountain range. There will be sunny peaks and dark valleys. Some of those valleys will have sheer cliffs and seem impossible to climb. The peaks at times will seem incredibly distant. But, with small steps and persistence – pushed by this blog – I will do it.
“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem.”
A.A. Milne
So, the question is this: how am I going to start?
This blog is the start! Accountability, going public. Not to mention the £174 for three years blog hosting! All things I hope will aid me.
Next, I will have a crack at meditation.
I am also trying to be positive, as I’m jaded by past failures, but I hope that the multi-pronged approach to improvement may be the answer for me.
In my day job I manage projects, so I am approaching this as a project. I have a business case and I am now just forming a management plan.
So, please join me on my journey as I work to drag myself out of the pit of darkness that is depression.
Steve