One thing that is quite interesting as I progress through life, is that time seems to go faster as I get older. When I was little, I can remember a year feeling like FOREVER! I suppose our perception of time must change as we progress along the path of life.
It was with some surprise that I realised I’d not done an update blog for nearly seven weeks! I had to look at my posting calendar to work it out. And yes, SEVEN weeks.
“Life is a process – just one thing after another. When you lose it, just start again”
Richard Carlson
When I last posted an update, it was spring in the U.K. The fields were alive with the vivid yellows and greens of oilseed and barley crops. A pair of wood pigeons that nest in a hedge in our front garden were cuddling and making ready to do what they do best, much to the annoyance of my German Shepherd dog, Max. Who likes to spend his days fruitlessly chasing them as they fly across the garden.
Now, the crops are steadily being taken in, and there’s newly fledged pigeons about- at least the ones that haven’t been eaten by the local cats! And I haven’t posted an update since then.
So, despite the promises of my (date) update, why haven’t I?
The answer is simple. Life has just got in the way, and I haven’t made much, if any, progress with recovery. It’s been hard enough keeping my family together and staying in employment, without the added pressure of trying to move myself forward psychologically.
I’ve not been mindful for weeks. Exercise is non-existent and I am eating enough junk food to adequately poison a small nation! In short, I have done nothing that I said I would.
It’s not because I do not want to, I do, I just cannot seem to raise the energy to start my improvement work again. The emotional high and optimism of my fiftieth birthday post has gone. Replaced with a motivation-less grey cloud.
It could be depression. Although I don’t feel depressed, just…. empty. Maybe it is depression after all. I’m tired all the time and have little energy or enthusiasm. Also, I do have a black dog following me everywhere, but that may just be Max!
It’s like my mind is wrapped in a fog of stupidity where I cannot concentrate on even the shortest, most mundane task. Everything feels like I am trying to scale a mountain.
It’s that bad that this post, which will be quite simple, has taken me two weeks to write.
I hate being like this. I hate being powerless to change it.
That’s the thing about mental illness. It changes you at a base level. My wife can see I’m going down before I know it. I get quiet, introspective. I stop smiling and joking with the family and avoid people and situations where I may have to talk to someone. My temper gets shorter and I’m snappy. I become quite unpleasant.
” No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”
Maya Angelou
But I see none of this until it’s so bad I stop functioning. Really, I should have expected to feel like this after my meltdown a couple of months ago. Experience has taught me that once the panic driven adrenaline subsides, depression always follows as sure as night follows day (Sorry for the crappy analogy, it’s all I can muster…)
I wanted to use this blog to improve, to move forward and get better. But I’m not, I seem to have gone backwards and I don’t know how to get back into first gear and move forwards.
I know it will pass as it always does – I just need to wait for the fog to lift and the light to shine through again.
In a way, it is good that I am struggling now as I was getting worried that my blog would seem too perfect. That recovery is a linear path that is travelled with a skip and a jump into a brilliant future.
It’s not.
The path is crappy and covered in potholes (earlier) and other such nasties that do their best to pull you down. I wish I had a mental health repair kit, but I don’t. Perhaps that’s something I need to work on when I feel better.
In the meantime, as I wait for a fresh easterly breeze to move the fog, I have decided to limit my social and main-stream media consumption. It’s depressing and I don’t need to feel any worse than I do. I will also try mindfulness again, I promise.
I will, I promise, start to be mindful again and be in a better place when I blog again.
Steve
P.s. Here’s a link to the Samarians if anything I’ve written affects you.